Why. -aka- a very self absorbed post

Why am I awake?  For years I have been asking this question at different hours of the night.  There seem to be as many answers as hours.

Sometimes I wonder if it is seven straight years of interrupted sleep that comes with nursing and comforting babies.  Okay, not that I nursed them every time they cried (after six months cuz I'm a sucker), but I certainly still woke up, to some extent, when they cried in the night.  It was practically involuntary.  My hormones gave me the ears of a bat, apparently.  Maybe my brain, unlike other people's, just gave up!  It certainly does a lot of other things that other people's brains don't do!!  I totally took for granted my lifetime of sleeping through the night!!  I can vaguely remember that I didn't always have this problem.

The frustrating thing is that I thought I had finally "solved" the problem recently.  I had probably 3-4 weeks where I only woke up one or two nights and had to get up because I couldn't get back to sleep.  But this past week or so, I have gotten back to my (frustratingly) normal pattern of waking for at least 2 hours.  What.is.going.on!?  However, I am still very thankful that melatonin (finally, after many attempts at using it) at least makes me fall asleep quickly.  That is wonderful feeling, so don't take it for granted!!  I LOVE the feeling of laying down and the pillow feeling so comfortable, closing my eyes, and not repeatedly opening them as I flip back and forth for 30 minutes!  Some people think that they fall asleep quickly because they work so hard during the day, and never take a break.  Let me assure you, those people are blessed.  It has nothing to do with how exhausted one is!

My mother had this problem, pretty sure my grandmother did as well.  For years I have been threatening to go to a doctor and actually do a sleep study.  I guess I'm afraid.  Essentially that their answers will be things I cannot do (SO not going into that right now, as I don't want to deal with worms and the rusty, sharp edges of their can).  But to be honest, at this point, there's basically nothing I haven't tried...and therefore nothing I wouldn't be willing to try!

Honestly, I think it's the way I hold on to stress subconsciously.  Not that I suppress all of it!  Apparently I am capable of working up so much that it fills up the basement before it spills over the walls of the day.  Walls that I will admit timidly, are even shored up with medication, but worms, see above paragraph, so that's all I'm sayin'bout that.

And here is where I finally start talking about my kids instead of myself (sort of).  Examples of stress that I cannot let roll off:  Jackson got his "expander" today at the orthodontist.  I watched his little hands wringing, and one very controlled little leg come up off the chair as they pressed it into his mouth.  I remember how much I hated braces and wish that I didn't have to put him through it.  The kids have hit the proverbial wall with school, and there's still two weeks after this one.  I remember how much I hated school, and wish I didn't have to make them go.  Cody doesn't even want to go home with a friend tomorrow because he is so drained.  Anna Grace says my name approximately 75,000 times a day, even though she isn't here 8 hours of the day!!  And I remember that they're all going to be home, all day, soon.  Oh, here's another...We are spending money (that is in the budget, even!) to have some cabinetry made in the house.  We need the storage space desperately.  But it's a lot of commotion...and a lot of money that I feel like we are just spending on ourselves.  And I have an oversensitivity to the fact that most people in the world don't even have walls, much less stuff they need extra storage space for.  So as he's installing it today, I realized that more than excitement, I am feeling sick to my stomach.

Okay, so this is not one of those posts, or blogs, where I will now write the inspiring, encouraging words from the Bible that help me realize... and now I can fall fast asleep... (those elipses are my nice way of saying blah, blah, blah)  SORRY!  Sadly, I do know all of those things to say, but it just makes me stressed that I can't internalize them into a victory, (or let the Holy Spirit do so for some reason)!  And that just adds more stress!  You know, I'm just keepin' it real, here people.

If you can identify, give me a comment.  If you can't, I hope this post made you feel very, very good about your mental health.  Your welcome.